What were we smoking? (Harry Potter/Anime)
by Magus II1
Summary: The three of us, through much arguing, backbiting, and about eight pizzas, came up with this... BEWARE, SANE PEOPLE...
1. Chapter 1 - The Madness of Everyone (exc...

What were we smoking

**What were we smoking??? **

Written by: Magus II, Kami-San, and Awesome Taro** **** **

**Part One **

**The Madness of Everyone (except Barty Crouch) **

** **

(Note: None of us own Harry Potter. So don't sue us. But if you are going to sue us, at least review our story.)

** **

An ordinary day in Hogwarts.An incomplete sentence.An annoying co-author being picky about everything and not giving his co-authors any artistic license at all.Two co-authors going completely off-topic with their private power struggles and totally forgetting why they are in my house on my computer anyway. 

Anyway... 

It was an ordinary day at the Hogwarts castle.Thank you, that's much better. 

START AGAIN... 

It was a completely ordinary day at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which is located in scenic Britain; complete with Forbidden Forest, large body of water (merpeople and giant squid included), and stationed within walking distance of Hogsmeade, the only all-wizard settlement in the country... 

QUIT WITH THE SALES PITCH AND BEGIN THE STORY ALREADY! 

Maybe it would be easier if we did this in script/screenplay form... 

KAMI-SAN: No, this is much more difficult. 

MAGUS II: And more confusing. 

AWESOME TARO: HARDER ON THE EYES, TOO... BACK TO THE NARRATIVE FORM! 

Um... Awesome?You left the Caps Lock on. 

OOPS. 

Moving on... 

START AGAIN... 

Turn off the capitals! 

FINE. 

It was a lovely day at the Hogwarts castle.Deep in study, Hermione shut her Arithmancy book and sighed heavily._I can't believe I pulled another all-nighter..._She thought to herself, massaging her temples with her eyes shut. 

  


Her school books lay open on the table, and as she looked at the Arithmancy book again, she decided to rest her eyes for a moment.She was soon fast asleep in front of the warm common room fire.She dreamed that the rest of the year went by in a flash and that she was taking a final exam in Ancient Runes.This lovely dream was concluded when she was awoken abruptly ten minutes later.Fred and George came running into the common room, panting and wheezing.Between deep breaths, they managed to inform Hermione that she had missed the Transfiguration final, to be taken out on the grounds, and that Professor McGonagall was furious.Hermione, her wits still cloudy from her sleepless study session, believed their story without question.She rushed out of the portrait hole, her eyes sleepy and bloodshot.As soon as she was out of earshot, Fred and George doubled up with laughter. 

Hermione couldn't believe her bad luck.She'd only just fallen asleep, and now she'd missed the Transfiguration exam...Why hadn't someone woken her up?She hurried toward the entrance hall and pulled open the front door. 

A well-aimed snowball hit her bag and knocked it to the floor.Too groggy to think hard about it, she bent over to pick it up, but she heard a voice say, "_Accio! _" and her bag flew out of the door.She looked up to see who had Summoned it, but all she could see was the dazzling white of new-fallen snow.She rushed out and began telling whoever it was off for taking her bag and making her miss her exam. 

"Hermione, what are you talking about?"As Hermione's eyes adjusted to the bright light, she heard Harry's voice questioning her. 

"I've missed the Transfiguration exam!Fred and George just told me!" 

"We just sent Fred and George up to get you to come down here."Harry said. 

"But... what about the exam?"Hermione's eyes had almost adjusted completely to the light. 

"Hermione...It's the middle of February."Ron said."You haven't missed any exams.Did you stay up all night doing homework again?" 

"Well, I... Well, smart guy, if it's not exams, then what day is it?"She said indignantly. 

"Hermione, it's your birthday." 

Hermione's eyes had now completely adjusted to the light, and she could see an enormous, moving banner that said, "Happy Birthday, Hermione."Hermione could see all of the Gryffindor fifth-years, and Hagrid holding a humongous cake with white and green icing on it, spelling out, "Happy 15th Birthday, Hermione!"A table with a pile of presents had been erected, onto which Hagrid placed the cake. 

"Oh, thanks so much, everyone!"Hermione said.The party ensued; after everyone ate cake, helped Hermione open her presents, and consumed an amazing amount of butterbeer, Hermione, Harry and Ron went for a walk around the lake.As the reached the far side, farthest from the castle, they heard noises from the Forbidden Forest to their right.They backed away quickly.After no weird monster appeared, they moved closer to investigate.As they did so,Draco Malfoy stepped out of the shadows, flanked as always by Crabbe and Goyle. 

"Happy Birthday, Mudblood," he sneered.Harry and Ron reached for their wands.Crabbe and Goyle flexed menacingly. 

Hold on, hold on.As if this isn't familiar.This has happened at least twenty times during the course of the Harry Potter series, hasn't it? 

Hey, work with me here!At least the "Happy Birthday, Mudblood" line was original! 

Some originality.Just get on with it. 

Draco Malfoy smirked at the three Gryffindors.He gestured to Crabbe and Goyle, who stepped back reluctantly. 

  


"I don't need you two for this," he said.He slowly drew out his wand.Harry, Ron, and Hermione all pulled out theirs to match his. 

"_Expelliarmus!" _

_"Petrificus Totalus!" _

_"Expecto Patronum!"_

The spells erupted into the air.Draco Malfoy was covered in a cloud of smoke and trampled by a white stag. 

"Harry, why in the world did you use that spell?"Hermione stared at him. 

"Well, I thought he was a dementor!"Harry exclaimed. 

"The face probably fooled you," Ron remarked.His triumphant grin was vanquished, however, when the smoke cleared, and Malfoy still stood untouched.Smirking, he pointed his wand at Hermione and said, "_Incendius!"_

A ring of fire encircled Harry, Ron, and Hermione.Draco smirked again, and cast another spell. 

"_Animeus Mixidus!"_

"Malfoy, you idiot!Lupin told us that there was no telling what that spell would do!" Ron yelled. 

"Well, then, I guess you'll just have to keep on your toes for a while," he said.He, Crabbe and Goyle disappeared back into the forest as Harry and Ron countered the Incendius charm.Hermione looked around her with a touch of paranoia. 

"Hermione, what exactly _does_ that spell do?"Ron asked, afraid of the answer. 

"I don't know!Isn't that what I just said?" 

"....." 

Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked quickly back to the castle.When they got there, however, they were totally amazed at what they saw. 

Oh, come on.Like _that_ is not a cheesy line! 

Hey, gimme a break. 

Write something else!That sounds like they've been, like, totally transported to California! 

Fine.Scratch that last sentence. 

When they got there, however, they were totally amazed at what they saw. 

Nothing out of the ordinary struck them as they walked back to their common room.They resumed their lives as they had been before, and Harry and Ron gave Hermione their presents; Harry, a book entitled _Spells for the Overachiever_; Ron, a copy of _Prefects Who Gained Power_.Hermione glared at him. 

"Why would I want this?"She demanded. 

"I just remembered that we saw Percy reading it in that shop in Diagon Alley a couple of years go,"Ron said."And, hey, you're a prefect, so I figured it'd be fun…" 

Fred and George came down from the seventh-year dormitory, still chuckling to themselves.Hermione glared at them, and they only apologized to her when she threatened to hit them both with an Anhumorous Curse, which would make them unable to laugh for hours. 

Hermione played Ron a game of wizard chess, and (against the advice of his wise-talking queen) he let Hermione win.Happy with her victory, Hermione retired, yawning, to the girl's dorm.Harry and Ron played some Exploding Snap and then went to bed as well.Draco Malfoy's curse had been completely forgotten. 


	2. Chapter 2 - The Smoke Thickens (But the ...

What were we smoking

**What were we smoking??? **

Written by: Magus II, Kami-San, and Awesome Taro** **

**Part Two: **

**The Inexplicable Explanation **

** **

(This story was written in the schizophrenic manner of AOL Instant Messaging.What you see is an exact transcript of the entire conversation.I think we tell some sort of story too, but if you're trying to apply logic, you'd better reread the title.)

  


When Hermione finally woke up from her refreshing sleep, she went back to sleep again.

Hold it.I finally get you guys to sign on again so that we can write another chapter here, and you write something stupid like that?

Look, man, I'm tired, all right?I went out with my girlfriend last night.

If you can call her a girlfriend.

Yeah, you two make "platonic" sound like something from the dinosaur age come back to life.

What the hell does "platonic" mean?

Platonic:Adj.A relationship in which nothing happens.

Ha ha ha ha ha.I'm convulsing with laughter.

Hey, man, she likes you!Seriously!

Yeah, you should do something with her!

I do!

Other than beating her at bowling.

So I happen to be a good bowler.So what?

So take her to a romantic movie!Or better yet:a horror movie!

Or even better:just take her home…

Can we just get on with the story?

Sure.Magus II, you start this time.

Cool.

When Hermione Granger woke up from a very restful sleep, she went down to the common room, expecting to see nothing more out of the ordinary than any other day.

She was wrong.

When she finished coming down the stairs, she saw that the entire common room had been trashed.Chairs were toppled over everywhere, the fire was out, and the rug and wallpaper were severely ripped in more than a few places.Hermione had just enough time to wonder where everyone was when Ron and Harry burst into the room.

It was not Harry and Ron as she knew them, however.Just as she knew that it was Ron and Harry, she couldn't help noticing that both of them had visibly changed from the previous day.Ron was considerably thinner, much more muscular, and his normally flaming red hair had been toned down to a smoldering auburn.He was dressed in a long overcoat with a pair of odd gloves on.Hermione could see, but she didn't believe, that several guns were hanging from his belt.In fact, he bore an amazing resemblance to Gene Starwind, of Outlaw Star.But that was just a cartoon!

Then she saw Harry.To her surprise and amusement, Harry looked completely different.His hair, normally short and untidy, was pulled back into an impossibly long ponytail.His wizard robes had become white, and his glasses had somehow fogged over so that Hermione could no longer see his eyes through the glass.He had somehow been transformed into a living replica of Mousse from Ranma ½!

These surprises, however, were nothing compared to the shock she received when she glanced into a mirror.Her somewhat bushy brown hair had been changed to a bright blue.Her body seemed to have filled out overnight, and no matter how she looked at herself, she saw a young, slutty-looking Bulma Briefs.She screamed.

Then she realized the implications of what had just run through her brain.She had never even known that anime existed before…

Before Malfoy's curse.

"Hermione!"Harry gasped.

"Hermione?"Ron looked amazed, and Hermione could sense that Ron was having a hard time concentrating on whatever it was he had been trying to say.His eyes were bulging wide, and Hermione got the disquieting impression that he was ogling her.She turned around and tried to cover herself.Her unusual outfit would have sent Professor McGonagall into cardiac arrest, had she walked in at that moment.Fortunately, Professor McGonagall had been transformed into a short old crone leaning on a walking stick bigger than she was at the moment.In short, she had been changed into Cologne.

As Harry, Ron, and Hermione (a.k.a. Mousse, Gene, and Bulma) exited the common room, they noticed that several other changes had been implemented overnight.Fred and George had been transformed into the MacDougal brothers, also from Outlaw Star, and Peeves the Poltergeist had been transformed into the tiny pervert known as Happosai.The tiny man/ghost had already collected a large armful of women's underpants, and Hermione hid behind Ron as the annoying creature flew past.

"Harry!Look out!"Ron yelled, pointing down the hallway.

His warning came too late for Harry, however, who was run over by an oriental girl riding a bicycle.She waved to them and spoke in broken English.

"Someone order Chinese?"

"Ch-Cho?!?!?"Harry mumbled from underneath the wheels.

"Oh.Is you.Bye-bye!"Cho/Shampoo cycled away, completely unaware that she was riding her bike through the semi-crowded halls of a castle.Harry got a close-up look at the skid marks she was making before Ron and Hermione helped to lift him up off of the ground.

"What was that?"Ron asked.

"I think that Malfoy's responsible for this,"Harry remarked.He pointed down the hallway to make his point, and saw that Pansy Parkinson and the rest of the Slytherin fifth-year girls were outfitted in ridiculous Sailor Scout uniforms, all fawning over a Roger Davies dressed in a black tuxedo and a white mask.(Tuxedo Mask.Duh.)

"This doesn't seem like his style," Hermione mused."He's more of the kind to make you wake up with dysentery than change you into an anime character."

"I don't care what he did, I know he did it.You said he couldn't have known what that spell would do until it was too late, right?So he did that spell, hoping it'd, I dunno, turn our skin green, or something –"Ron was interrupted by a Slytherin seventh-year floating by who had been changed into Zarbon. "Anyway, this is what happened to everyone!It sort of backfired, didn't it?"

"I just hope no one's been hurt so far," said Harry.

* * *

As Harry, Ron, and Hermione made their way down to breakfast, hoping to find Malfoy and make him undo the spell, they ran into Cologne/Prof. McGonagall, who was hopping across the entrance hall on her staff.She told Hermione off for wearing indecent clothing, but didn't do anything about it.As she hopped off to the Great Hall, Happosai/Peeves collided with her at full speed.He began chasing him and smacking him with her walking stick.

Malfoy was nowhere to be seen when Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the Great Hall.They sat down and helped themselves to biscuits and gravy ("At least the food's still normal," said Ron) and speculated on the nature of the curse.

"Well, if we kill Malfoy, the curse'd end, right?"Ron asked hopefully.

"Not necessarily,"Hermione answered.

"What if we looked up a countercurse?"Harry swallowed and joined in.

"We could do that, but I don't think there is one.The only solution seems to be making Malfoy do the curse again.That would revert all of us to our normal forms."Hermione ran her hands through her hair.It was shorter than usual, which was an odd feeling."Our only hope is that Malfoy's been changed into something really embarrassing!Then he'd undo it on his own!"

"Good luck.Here he comes now."

Vegeta, Raditz, and Nappa had just entered the room.That is, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle.They swaggered over to the Gryffindor table and stopped right in front of Harry.

"Do you like that, Potter?Nice glasses." Crabbe/Raditz and Goyle/Nappa laughed and cracked their knuckles menacingly.The transformation didn't seem to have aided in their mental development."And I see that no curse is powerful enough to make Weasley any richer.And look at the Mudslut here!"

At these words, half of the Gryffindor table stood up.Harry/Mousse and Ron/Gene pulled out their wands.Hermione/Bulma, however, was thinking a little harder than the rest of them.

"Nice hair, Malfoy.I suppose you're late because you couldn't get it through any of the doorways?No, wait.You're short enough that it's just about even, isn't it?"Malfoy/Vegeta scowled at her.Crabbe/Raditz and Goyle/Nappa laughed and cracked their knuckles menacingly.

"You don't laugh when they insult us, you idiots!"Malfoy/Vegeta smacked them both across the face.They stopped laughing, but continued to crack their knuckles menacingly.

"Is that all you idiots ever do, laugh and crack your knuckles?"Ron said.Raditz/Crabbe nodded vigorously.Nappa/Goyle smacked him.

"Malfoy, undo the curse.It's affected everyone, even you and your cronies!"Harry/Mousse did not smile as he looked right at Malfoy/Vegeta.

Hang on.Can we stop with all of the dumb slashes?It's getting really annoying, Awesome/Taro!

Fine, Magus/II, we can stop with the slashes.

Who asked you, Kami/San?

Malfoy shook his head."I like this body.I think I'm going to keep it for a while.Unless, of course, you've got something to… trade for it…"he looked straight at Hermione as he said this, and Hermione shuddered.

"What are you talking about, Veg-head?"Ron remarked.Malfoy glared at him.

"You know who the parents of Trunks are.I'm not asking for pregnancy, just a few… instant replays."He laughed.That laugh was cut off by a gun firing in his face and a wrecking ball hitting him in the stomach. Harry and Ron blinked as the saw what their wands had turned into.Malfoy lay unconscious on the ground.Crabbe and Goyle dragged him away to the Slytherin table.

Meanwhile, Hermione was losing her lunch into Malfoy's school bag, which had been left.

* * *

Okay, that was pretty good.

Who is the SICKO who came up with the I'll-reverse-the-curse-for-sex idea?That is probably the sickest thing I have ever read, apart from that Sirius/Snape slash that my girlfriend showed me!

You actually read that?

No, I just glanced at it, but it was really frightening.

But that's the kinda thing that Malfoy would say, isn't it?

NO!

NO! Hermione's a Mudblood!He'd never say that to her!

But she's in a different body!And so is he!

Just drop it, okay?

Fine.

(Author's note:We don't own anything or anyone of the characters from Outlaw Star, Ranma ½, Dragon Ball Z, Sailor Moon, or any of the other Anime we use in this story.)


	3. Chapter 3 - Sirius Returns (yet again)

What were we smoking

**What were we smoking??? **

Written by: Magus II, Kami-San, and Awesome Taro** **

**Part Three: **

**Sirius Returns (Again) **

** **

(This story was written in the schizophrenic manner of AOL Instant Messaging.What you see is an exact transcript of the entire conversation.I think we tell some sort of story too, but if you're trying to apply logic, you'd better reread the title.)

"What if we get someone else to persuade him to undo the curse?"

"Like who?Professor Snape?With our luck, he's been changed into something even worse than Malfoy.Who'd help us, besides Dumbledore?"Dumbledore was currently somewhere in Europe, helping Madame Maxime be an envoy to the giants.

"Well, no one comes immediately to mind…"

"What about Sirius?"

"Ssh!Call him Snuffles, remember?"

"Why would you call him Snuffles, when Black is a perfectly humiliating name already?"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione whirled around to see Snape, tall, dark, and menacing, looming over them.His skin was green with black dots and his face was purple-white.Odd, insect-like wings folded down his back, and a weird sort of tail poked out between them.They knew that Snape/Cell had indeed been transformed into something much worse than Malfoy.Snape, however, seemed unaware that he was seven feet tall with green skin.He was acting as if nothing at all were out of the ordinary.Except for Sirius, of course.

"I thought that he was off somewhere tropical,"Snape sneered, his lip curling."Ten points from Gryffindor for consorting with a convicted murderer."

"What?!?"All three of them cried out at once.Snape laughed.

"Fifteen, and a detention each if I hear one more word."Snape set off down the hallway, his black wings moving from side to side.

"Ooh, that great bloody ass,"Ron said, glaring down the hallway after him."He knows perfectly well that Sirius is on our side."

"Just ignore him.Once the curse gets undone, time will revert back to the way it was before the curse was performed.So those points won't count."

"Odd, though," mused Harry, "he doesn't seem to have noticed that he's turned tall, dark and ugly."

"He's always been that way, it's not much of a change."Harry, Ron, and Hermione laughed as they walked toward the Owlery.On the way, they decided to send Hedwig to Sirius and ask him to come and help them out.Hedwig, however, had been transformed into a very disturbing cat with bunny ears.She was muching away on a pile of carrots when Harry called her over and tied the letter to her leg.The cat-bunny thing meowed in pleasure, and jumped out of the door before turning into a large spaceship and flying away.Five minutes later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were still standing in shock looking out of the window when Hedwig the Cat-Bunny-Spaceship- -Thing swooped down onto the lawn, dumped a figure onto the grass, and then changed back into a cat thing and flew in the window.They backed out slowly and ran down to the lawn, where Sirius had been unceremoniously dumped onto the lawn.As he stood up and brushed himself off, he saw Harry running toward him.

"Harry!Ron!Hermione!What in the name of Nine Hells happened?"Inu-Yasha/Sirius stood up.

AHAHAHAHAH!!! THAT'S GREAT!! I LOVE THE IRONY!

You left the Caps Lock on again, Awesome.

And don't give it away!We want it to be subtle, not blatant!

BUT THEY'RE BOTH HALF DOG!!I LOVE IT!

Shut up NOW, Awesome!

And turn off Caps Lock!

SORRY.

"Malfoy did this weird spell and everyone turned into anime characters!"Harry explained.Sirius sniffed the air.He seemed creepy, more… _demonic_ than normal.

"Well, I don't really know what to do.The only way would be to make Malfoy undo the spell."Sirius snarled at a tentacle of the giant squid rising out of the lake.  
"And the only way he would do that is if Snape told him to,"saidRon.

"And Snape's turned into Perfect Cell!"

"Well, if anyone around has been changed into Gohan, we could get them to fight each other,"Sirius said.

Someone had been changed into Gohan.Unfortunately, at the moment he was fighting with his younger brother Dennis about who would get to give Harry the "Potter Doesn't Stink" badges they had finally managed to fix.

* * *

Don't you dare give it away, Awesome.

WHO, ME??(MAKES INNOCENT FACE)

Is that your trademark now?Capital letters?

YES.

(sigh)

(sigh)

(Note:Don't be annoyed, because you might hate authors that scream "review my story" into your face, but…

**REVIEW OUR STORY!!!!!!!!NOW!**


	4. Chapter Four: Harry Potter and the Much...

What Were We Smoking?

  
  


Written by Magus II, Awesome Taro, and Kami-san

  
  
  
  


Chapter Four:

Harry Potter and the Long-Awaited Next Part of the Series

  
  
  
  


(Note: None of us own Harry Potter. Is anyone unclear on this point? The story, however, is our intellectual property.)

  
  
  
  


(Intellectual. Yeah, right. This is an exact transcription of an AOL Instant Messaging session long awaited by our fans. Thanks for the reviews!)

(One More Note: Magus II and Kami-san lost a bet with Awesome Taro, so he got to think up the plot for this chapter. BE AFRAID.)

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"All right, all right. Let's just sit down and think. If we were Malfoy, what would we do at a time like this?" Hermione adjusted her dress while speaking to avoid the stares that Ron kept giving her.

"Probably laugh our bloody heads off," quipped Ron. He leaned back in his chair and tried weakly to avoid looking down the front of Hermione's blouse.

"No, seriously, Ron. And stop staring at me!" Hermione blushed red and threw a book at Ron's head.

"Guys! That's enough! We have to find someone to defeat Snape in a duel so that he'll tell Malfoy to call off the curse!"

"If only I had watched more television at home..."

"What's a television?" Ron asked, quizzically. Hermione sighed. Ron's eyes did the cleavage-flick as her body jiggled. Hermione noticed this and smacked him.

"Never mind. Anyway, I think the guy we're looking for is short and dark-haired." 

"Harry! Harry! Look what me and Dennis did to the 'Potter Stinks' badges! We fixed 'em, Harry!" Colin and Dennis Creevey came rushing into the common room, dressed in orange and blue karate outfits. All three of our heroes stared at them, speechless. Then Harry jumped up and grabbed Colin and started shaking him.

"Colin! That's it! You've got to fight Cell! You're Gohan!" Colin looked at Harry. 

"Of course I'm Gohan. Who's this 'Colin' you keep talking about?"

"Never mind. Anyway, you've got to fight Cell!" Ron joined Harry next to Colin.

"But... I'm just Gohan!"

"Just do it, Colin. We believe in you." Hermione stood up, as well. Colin screwed up his face and raised his fist in the air. Dennis followed him out of the room. 

Ten minutes later, as the trio was walking down to the Great Hall, they heard explosions coming from outside. They saw Colin come flying in through the doors, breaking the glass.

"He never had a chance, did he?" Hermione looked at him.

"Nope." Harry and Ron chorused.

"Well, what do we do now? And where'd Sirius go? He was here last chapter!"

"Oh, he's off somewhere taking a bath or something."

Just then, Sirius the half-dog demon came rushing in on all fours. He was completely naked, but his white fur covered enough of him that this story could maintain it's below-R rating.

"HOT! HOT! HOT! WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO DO, SCALD ME? GET AWAY! GET AWAY!" 

*

Just a little reference to the manga of Inu-Yasha there...

They know that, Awesome.

Just making sure...

*

Sirius skidded to a halt beside Harry and conjured up some decent clothing. Then he looked at the prostrate form of Colin, who was muttering something about Saiyans and Dr. Gero. He unsheathed his massive sword and marched out toward Snape, still hovering in midair.

"Where'd Snuffles get that monstrous sword?" Hermione asked.

"I dunno, but it's brilliant bloody wicked!" Ron said, oblivious to the number of times Rupert Grint had uttered those same words, or something like them.

"Quick! Let's confront Malfoy just to fill space!" Yelled Ron.

"To the Hedwig-Mobile!" Harry pumped his fist into the air.

"Um, Harry... We don't have a Hedwig-Mobile."

"What!?! Who's the bum in charge who forgot the Hedwig-Mobile?"

"Harry! You're letting the insanity get to you!" Ron began panicking. An almost palpable aura of Japanese stuff filled the air, like the yellow smoke that rubs its back upon the window panes. "Just concentrate on something British to counteract the Japanese that surrounds us!" Hermione yelled. 

She, Ron, and Harry gripped their heads as a wave of Anime-ness washed over them. They fought the urge to eat sushi and miso soup, they fought the desire to make their eyes really big in proportion to their heads, and they fought the urge to control the world. To fight those things, they concentrated on fish and chips, Austin Powers, and Monty Python.

  
  
  
  


No contest.

  
  
  
  


As soon as the wave passed, Harry, Ron, and Hermione reveled in their victory for a quick second before rushing to find Malfoy the Vegetable-Head. Before they did, however, they hatched a horribly evil plan that was sure to get them at least a couple of flames...

Malfoy found them quickly enough, flanked by his cronies, who were (you guessed it) laughing and cracking their knuckles.

"Well, well... If it isn't the freaks who I always start talking to by saying 'well, well.' Well, well, well." As Malfoy said this, everyone else stared in confusion for a few seconds before working out what he meant. Then they glared at him. Before they could retort, he spoke again.

"Well, Mudblood? Thought about my... offer?"

"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth! Unless I really really wanted to." Hermione stared shocked at herself, wondering where that escape clause had come from. "Not like I would!" She amended. Malfoy grinned and floated down to join them. Harry opened his mouth to fire a witty and burning remark at his Slytherin nemesis.

"Malfoy, if you weren't short and greasy-haired, I'd probably say you were... the most attractive man on the face of the planet." What was that?!!? Harry had meant to say something witty and cruel... and had come out as gay!

"Yeah, Malfoy, if you didn't think my family was poor, I'd probably ask you to marry me!" Huh?

Ron felt it, too. The unendurable urge to worship Malfoy as a god. Crabbe and Goyle disappeared from everyone's mind.

"Actually, Draco, now that you mention it, you're not bad looking. And you, Ron, and Harry, too. What say some random combination of us sneaks off to an empty closet somewhere?" Hermione suggested. Malfoy looked totally horrified and disgusted with everything. Hermione suddenly came to a flash of realization.

"Of course! It's the one force we've all been overlooking! The force that forces us to force ourselves onto each other!" Hermione reveled in her newfound knowledge. 

"What force is that?" The three guys echoed.

"Quick, tell us before I shove my throbbing tongue down somebody's throat!" Ron cried in desperation. Malfoy backed away, but Harry moved in closer and put his arm over Ron's shoulder.

"It's the fans! All the otaku (A/N: fangirls) and writers who write stories about us that force us into incredibly weird combinations and situations! Malfoy, so many people out there beyond the fourth wall like you that we are feeling the effects! Harry, Ron, because so many slash fics have been written about you three, you are overcome with the desire to do something naughty!" Hermione giggled. "Then again, I don't exactly want to be a virgin for all of the rest of this fic..." Hermione fazed out for a second with a dreamy look on her eyes, then came to and slapped herself. "Malfoy, if this isn't a good enough reason to reverse that spell, I don't know what is. If the effects of that spell aren't reversed, then we'll have to live out the plot line of every single fanfiction about us in existence! Including all of the slashes!" Hermione goggled at the thought. Harry slipped his arm around Ron's waist, and Ron gave Harry's hand an affectionate squeeze.

"How do I know that this isn't just some trick, Mudblood?" Malfoy demanded, seizing the front of her shirt and pulling her toward him. She squirmed a bit, and Malfoy found his eyes inadvertently looking down to the breasts that he was only narrowly avoiding with his hand. Suddenly, Hermione stopped squirming and threw her head back in exaggerated ecstasy. Malfoy quickly dropped his hand and whirled to find Harry and Ron squeezing each other's butts. He looked behind him for backup, but the authors had totally forgotten about Crabbe and Goyle. He looked back to see Hermione stalking him, catlike and lithe. 

This was it. The moment Draco Malfoy had hoped would never come. He was forced to decide between preserving his dignity or preserving his virginity. Most days, he would have chosen the latter, but there was something about the hungry, tortured look in Hermione's eyes that he didn't like. Plus the fact that Harry was rubbing his hands all over Ron's muscular chest, feeling every minute fluctuation of skin and tendon. Malfoy was torn by the desire to see them humiliated and the fear that after they had finished each other, they would come after him. 

Still, he wasn't convinced. Suddenly, before he had any further time to think, he saw Weasley and Potter come toward him, the same hungry lust in their eyes as Hermione had. That tore it. He had no desire to cavort about with mudbloods or Weasleys and especially not other guys! He whipped out his wand and shouted the words to the counterspell.

"Shounenai Yoai Bishounen Begone!"

A flash of fire, a whirl of smoke, and everyone and everything affected by the spell was returned to its normal form. Hermione, Ron, and Harry could feel themselves being whirled to that same ring of fire that Malfoy had trapped them in in the first chapter. 

* * *

"So, Mr. Malfoy, I heard that someone was trying out the new spell I told you about over the weekend. By the way, Hermione, happy birthday."

"Thank you, Professor Lupin."

"Now, Draco, although I don't seem to remember it, I would assume that the spell worked?"

"Yes, Professor Lupin."

"Now, Draco, what possessed you to actually use the counterspell?"

"I couldn't bear the thought of Potter and Weasley being gay."

"Why is that?"

"Because obviously they'd come after my sexy body! I like having my rear be an 'Exit Only!'"

"Well, Mr. Malfoy, I think that that image in all of our heads shall be punishment enough. That, and twenty points from Slytherin. And a detention. Anything I'm forgetting, class?"

"No, Professor Lupin."

"And stop that zombie-like response! It unnerves me. Anyway, goodbye. As if there hasn't been enough slash parody in this fic, I'm going to go see Sirius on personal business."

"Gross, Professor Lupin, sir." And everyone packed their bags and headed back to the common room.

When they got there, Harry and Ron lifted Hermione onto their shoulders.

"Thanks for coming up with such a brilliant plan to get Malfoy to reverse that spell!" Ron said, his eyes gleaming with gratitude.

"Yeah, thanks, Hermione." Harry nodded his assent.

"I'm just glad we were able to keep up the 'highly sexual and open to anything' approach for long enough to fool Malfoy. You guys put on a great show!"

"Sure, Herm. But if you ever ask us to do that again, we'll kill you." Ron set her down on her favorite chair.

"Right. No more gayness. Ever. Got it?" Harry looked at Hermione straight in the eyes. She gave them a pleading glance, and then sighed.

"But you two were such a cute couple... I almost didn't have to fake that look I was giving Malfoy."

"Gross!"

"Disgusting!"

"Okay, okay. No more gayness. Sheesh, you'd think I knew the author or something." Hermione winked outward, toward the authors. They winked back. Suddenly, the fourth wall shattered. The fragile wall that held reality and fanfic apart was destroyed, and the result mish-mash of realities and counter-realities created a massive disturbance in the space-time continuum, sending everyone... Back in Time.

Doo-doo-doo-doo...

Harry: I suddenly feel... the urge... to talk like Captain... Kirk...

Ron: This is highly illogical.

Hermione: What's with this? Did we just randomly switch to screenplay mode? And why am I cast as the token woman/minority? This chair at the comm station is really uncomfortable.

Harry: Quiet, woman! We'll have to... ponder this for a... while.

Ron: Captain, may I suggest that we use the antimatter production units to create a disturbance in the Force?

Hermione: What, is it Star Wars now?

Harry: Quick! To the X-Wings!

Ron: Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!

Harry: Yee-hah!

Hermione: Must... fight... pop culture references...

*

Okay, what's going on? I can't understand what's happening! We're supposed to be in the middle of the denoument here, not adding more peripatea!

Yeah, shut up, Magus II. I decided that I wasn't done with the story.

What's up with the Star Wars lines?

Cut it out, Awesome. Seriously.

Well, maybe we should just end the fic and be done with it!

Good idea!

Fine.

'Course it's a good idea!

*

Hermione reached into her robes and pulled out her wand. She muttered a few spells and did the swish-and-flick that is so important. She, Harry, and Ron were zapped back to the real world. They Obliviated everyone so that they forgot everything to do with the anime weirdness. Then Hermione used a memory charm on Harry and Ron, so that they would not have nightmares about what had happened.

The end. Yeah, that's it. Goodbye. See if we ever write with this freak again. Shut up! It was my good idea to end the story, do I get points for that? Shut up, Kami-san. Yeah, shut up! You shut up! No, you! No, both of you!

(The next 15 pages of similar arguments has been deleted, simply because it's way boring. No, really, it's just "No, you!" for about fifteen pages.)

Anyway, thanks for reading our story. Sorry the last chapter took so long.

Yeah, and Awesome is sorry for any of you who were offended or disturbed by Ron and Harry acting like they were together.

Very sorry. No, really, it was just satire. You know, making fun of all of those slash fics out there.

Problem is, Awesome, you're the only one who has read a slash fic.

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Anyway, 

The End. Goodbye!

  
  
  
  


(Review or Die!)

(Die many painful deaths!)

(All of which will involve spatulas and rock salt!)

(Awesome...)

(Awesome...)

(Okay, just spatulas.)


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